previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
That's a tough business to be in.
Not a lot of market for that, I wouldn't think.
Cool, cool, cool. So you're like, adventurers, yeah?
Yeah, yeah. I think we're adventurers.
Yeah, I guess so.
Very neat, very neat. There's this old rumor, old saying over near here.
Uh, big treasure?
Big fun!
Big fun! We go find the big treasure, we have big fun!
All three of you feel like the wind dies down, like almost to a standstill.
And just above the trees right in front of you at the end of this path, you see the tip of a windmill.
Well, I'll be damned.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons, we're a D&D 5th edition actual play podcast, and I'm your dungeon master, Russ More, and with me today is Tom Laird.
Hey, that's me, I play Moot, he's a half-orc, uh, wild magic sorcerer.
And Amy More.
Hey, I play Sullivan Sleight, or Sully, a lightfoot halfling rogue.
And Carla Johnson.
That's me, and I play Glim, a dragonborn pAlydin.
How's everybody doing tonight?
Great.
Doing real good.
By tonight I mean this generic time of day that people are listening.
Yeah, is it night? Could be. Morning? Midday? I don't know.
I see sun outside, so I'm not sure what you're talking about.
Amy refuses to yes-and this garbage.
Fuck it.
Will not. Will not. You put me in some weird ghosty place, maybe, who knows. Don't want this.
Where we're always yes-anding is over on Patreon.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragoncast in the side-scroller that we run over there, which is amazing,
and you should come over just so you can listen to that, because Tom runs a wonderful game.
Yeah, he does.
He does.
Aw, thanks, guys. It's a super fun one to run.
But also you get an episode dedicated to you, like today's patron,
and this episode is dedicated to that patron, Kyle McSherry.
Thanks, Kyle.
I was wondering how long Russ would be able to drag that out before he said your name.
I know. There's a lot of anticipation.
Build the suspense. That's what my job is, and I did that so well.
I didn't get to the point where I could have said his name and then think that maybe it shouldn't have been that way,
and then try and backtrack. No, that's not what I did.
No, I assumed you had a script in front of you. It was seamless.
Seamless. Perfect.
Fuck it, let's play D&D.
So you find yourself after heading into the woods with Hillop and not getting his honey.
Please listen to the previous episodes. That's not a sexual record.
I mean, it's an episodic thing. Hopefully you have listened to the previous episode.
But if you're just coming in now, it's not a sex thing.
If not, it's all about Hillop's honey.
But you have walked down a pathway. The wind has kind of died down to a standstill.
You see ahead of you a windmill. You're not certain if it's the windmill,
but it is a windmill, and it doesn't appear to be moving.
And it's in the middle of a forest.
It's in the middle of a forest.
So already spooky because what windmills need to work is wind.
Yeah.
I would like to use my divine sense.
That's right, a game mechanic.
Oh my god.
Mind explosion.
Okay.
As an action, I can detect good and evil.
Until the end of my next turn, I can sense anything affected by the hallow spell
or know the location of any celestial fiend or undead within 60 feet.
Shit.
Any of them bad boys kicking around?
I mean, probably not, but I wanted to use a thing, guys.
I think that's lovely.
I mean, you get the heebie-jeebies that maybe something is awry here,
but you do not specifically detect any of those evildoers.
Okay.
Guys, this place feels super creepy.
And not just because it's a windmill in the middle of a forest,
which I don't know a lot of physics or windmill-ics,
but I think you need wind for a windmill to work,
so why would they even have built it here?
Anyway, this place is super creepy.
Friends, this could be the windmill that we are looking for.
It's in the middle of a forest.
It's not moving right now, which is, like, good for the rumor.
Yeah? Yeah?
And then it was powered by a magic orb,
which means it wouldn't have regularly needed wind to move.
And evil took over, and it's super creepy.
Super creepy. You noticed that, too.
Yeah. So what do you say?
Will you just, like, barge in there?
Yeah, let's kick the door in.
I'm so happy. I brought you guys with me.
Okay.
So are you over the whole honey thing now, have we moved on?
Well, we'll still come back to get some honey, right?
Well, we have to go back the same way we came.
I guess you can do whatever you want.
You all can start walking down.
And the pathway, there's big trees at the end of this pathway.
It takes a right.
You could, in theory, cut through the trees to get directly to the windmill,
it would seem.
So if we're just going to cut through here, is that okay with you guys,
or is the trees too creepy-creepy?
We could go around the pathways.
Well, I've read Little Red Riding Hood,
and you're never supposed to be off the path, so...
So you want us to stay to the path, then?
I vote path. I'm a pragmatic.
We can stay on the path. Why not?
That's totally cool.
Kind of keeping an eye on where you're going with the windmill,
but the path turns to the right.
You take a left, and then you're basically just following around this circle here.
As you walk down the path, there is a right turn.
Down at the end, it opens into a bit of a clearing.
You don't see much,
but you continue to take a left, and then another left,
and you make it to the front of a windmill.
I would like to do a perception check.
Me too. I don't know why, though.
I rolled a one. I rolled a two.
Guess I've still got that song from Zumba in my head.
Just, it's such an earworm.
Slogged in your brain.
I got a ten.
I guess we just see a windmill.
So we see a windmill, yeah?
It looks like an old windmill.
Kind of not super well-kept.
Looks like maybe it hasn't been tended to in several years.
Got a real creepo vibe to it.
Not what you detect to it.
Okay.
You see Hillop go over to the door, and he goes to open it.
We should, Hillop, we should knock.
What if someone lives here?
Just because it's run down doesn't mean,
could be someone's home, you can't just walk in,
it's the middle of the night.
Well, I just assumed that maybe it was abandoned,
because rumor, but you're right, you're right.
He knocks.
My mouth got really dry at that moment,
I also like your, like, pattern.
And then people's drums start coming out, like,
doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo.
It's that Zumba song all over it.
Yeah, and then someone starts singing,
What's new? Buenos Aires.
It's a whole musical number out of nowhere.
That'd be amazing.
Do that one day, Russ.
I mean, in like two years,
well, just like where it comes out of nowhere,
it'll be so fun.
So he knocks, and he kind of waits there,
everybody waits there for a minute,
and you don't hear anything.
Actually, make a perception check.
That's probably a better way to do it.
Play this game that we're playing.
10.
14.
Oh, now 20.
Oh, damn.
I mean, nobody hears anything coming from inside the windmill,
but you hear, like, a faint calling off and behind you,
someone yelling, like,
Help! Help!
Does anybody hear that?
Now that you focus on it,
everybody else does hear kind of a faint calling for help.
Well, it sounds like someone needs some help.
Yeah, we've got to go,
and I'm already, like, heading in that direction.
I'm right behind Glim.
All right.
Caleb's like,
We're off to adventure!
He's following behind.
You run, you're sticking to the path?
If that's where it sounded like that.
Yeah, like, I think I would, like, kind of beeline
whatever the fastest path was to where I thought it was coming from.
It would be cutting through some trees to get to the sound, so.
Yeah, you go back the way you came a little bit,
but before you get to the one turn that you didn't go down,
you hear them coming from the other side of the trees there,
so you cut through the trees.
Does everybody follow?
Yeah.
Moot.
Caleb.
Best feeling about this.
Sully hesitates for a moment.
I mean, as far as you know, there could be a path.
Yeah, no, Sully follows them.
All right, so you cut through the trees.
Glim, you're the first one through,
and you see a man caught in quicksand in the middle of a pathway.
He looks like he's kind of just, like, face above the sand,
and he kind of looks over to you without turning too much.
He's like, oh, thank God.
Can you help me?
OK, guys, this is what we have to do.
We've got to get the three of us together,
and we'll make a human chain,
and then we've got to grab the guy,
and then we've got to pull him out without sinking in, OK?
You are very resourceful.
Let's do this thing.
Can we use a rope?
Yeah, we've got to use a rope.
We'll tie it to a tree, and then tie it to the person,
and then tie it to the person, and then tie it to the person,
quick, quick, quick, before this guy goes under.
All right, I tie the rope to a sturdy-looking tree.
Make a dexterity check.
Oh, God.
11.
Yeah, you tie it to the tree.
OK.
I double-check my knot.
Love it.
Make an investigation check.
It's a 12.
Yes, it's a knot.
It is a knot.
You probably feel like you could have tied it a little better, though.
OK, I tied a little better.
You do so.
OK.
You're tying it to each individual person,
or you're just kind of like holding on to it?
What's happening here?
Well, I say tie off, and then...
I mean, we should, in theory, in quicksand theory.
Yeah.
If Sully's tied to the tree...
Well, I don't know that Sully was the best choice to go next to the tree,
so let's tie whoever is next to Sully also to the rope.
It's just that he's small.
He's not that strong.
Well, I just tied it to a tree.
I just have a hemp rope.
Oh, you haven't tied it to yourself at all.
No.
Oh, just to the tree.
He's tied it to himself as anchor.
I got you, guys.
And everybody's in the quicksand new podcast.
Yeah.
No, Sully's definitely not going to be tied.
OK, guys.
Oh, I guess.
How far across is the quicksand?
It appears to be, like, we'll say 40 feet diameter,
so 20 feet to the guy who's kind of near the middle.
OK.
My God.
How far did he walk in before he got to the middle of a forest?
Right?
Geez.
You mean thrashing and stuff?
You move around?
I guess so.
Can we sort out these details later, please?
Yeah, OK.
No more talking.
It's going to make you think deeper.
OK.
So what do you think, guys?
What order should we go in?
I think I'm the strongest.
I'm not trying to be rude, but maybe I should go and be the one to pull him out,
or should I be at the anchor and hold everybody else that's pulling him out?
What do you guys think?
What do you think?
I think we just got to get him out of there.
Not helpful.
Phillip, what do you think?
Oh, well, it sounds like you got the good pulls,
so maybe you go pull the rope and we will hold on to him with our hands.
Oh, my God.
You guys.
OK.
For Christ.
OK.
So you understand what I'm saying here.
I know what you're saying here.
I think that you should be closest to the tree.
I think you should be in charge of making sure that we don't all fall into the thing.
Me, I'm going to be just organizing this entire thing.
Then we're going to have Phillip is going to be next.
And then Moot, you are going to be grabbing the hands of the guy
if you feel comfortable doing so.
Sure.
I can do that.
All right, you guys.
Sweet.
Should we tie this to our good friend Moot here maybe?
Yeah.
You should be tying it to you as well.
Come on.
Chop, chop, chop.
I already tied it to me and then to him and then to him.
OK.
We're tied for good.
We're all tied.
Everybody make a check of some sort.
OK.
What kind of check?
What kind of rope check do you want?
Survival?
We never do survival checks.
I literally don't remember ever doing one.
No, let's do a survival check.
That's not exactly what that is.
OK.
We can do a survival check to see if we get the guy.
Let's do avoid quickstand or other natural hazards.
It says it right in there.
Oh, fuck it, Ben.
Yeah.
In survival?
Yeah.
Am I misremembering?
Do we do survival checks all the time?
No, we don't.
This is the first time ever.
But if you click on it in D&D Beyond, it literally says quickstand.
Oh, you're right.
Everybody do a survival check.
Do I have to if I'm not participating?
Yeah.
I'm just watching.
You're just there for moral support.
I really am.
He's aiding, so everybody do it with advantage.
Yeah.
I'm cheering on.
OK.
13 for the first one.
14 for this.
OK.
Mildly better.
I also got a 14.
And yeah, Hillop got a 12, but that's good.
So, Moot, you explain to me what you do, because you're the guy going in to reach
hand.
So you tell me, you describe to me what you're doing.
Yeah.
I mean, I guess I just kind of like inch my way as close as possible while I
still have solid footing.
And then just kind of lean as forward as I can.
He's 20 feet in the middle of it.
Moot, what you got to do is we all got to lay down flat so we don't break
through the top.
We got to spread out our weight.
We got to distribute our weight out across.
You understand?
Oh.
That is a pheasant, this is a board.
OK.
That makes so much more sense than my method.
This is my first time with quickstand, guys.
I don't know what I'm doing.
Me too, buddy.
I didn't even know a survival was a thing.
He almost sunk down.
Dude, make sure your hand is available for our buddy here.
He kind of lifts his hand up and out of the sand and reaching towards Moot.
And you lay down flat.
Hillops got you by the feet.
Yeah.
And you're kind of army crawling-ish forward.
And you make it to his hand.
And now everybody's going to make a strength check.
I'll come behind and help pull as much as myself can do this.
That's pretty good.
I'm the strongest creature in the world.
Five.
Just kidding.
OK, so here's the thing.
Hillop got a two.
Oh, no.
So how this is going to work is Sully and Glim are pulling so hard that
Hillop loses his grip on Moot.
But because he's tied, that's fine.
But he slips and he's like, oh, no, my friend is going to go into the drink.
And then your strength manages to pull everybody back and out.
And the guy makes it to the edge and he's able to climb up and out.
And he's kind of just winded because we don't know how long he's been in there.
But he's like, thank you.
I give him my water skin so he can have a drink of water.
He takes several big gulps as he's trying to collect himself.
Thank goodness you guys came by.
What were you doing out here all by yourself?
Well, I heard there was gold here.
And Hillop was like, yes, I heard there was gold here too.
He's following the rumor.
How many people out here looking for gold?
How many different ways are we going to have to split this thing?
Well, I mean, you saved my life.
If there is gold, like, that's fine.
I don't really need it anymore, I guess.
I've got so much more to live for than just sweet, sweet gold.
Oh, that's a great attitude.
I'm Glim. What's your name?
My name is Esau.
It's nice to meet you, Esau.
Oh, can I ask you a question?
Of course.
So there's this haunted windmill and an orb and then some gold.
Where's the gold come into it?
We were a little confused about that.
Well, the rumor as I know it is that the town kind of collected its gold in one place.
Like a bank?
Sure, yeah.
It's been a while, though.
So maybe they didn't call it a bank or maybe it wasn't as conventional as a bank.
But yeah, they put it all in one place and just the riches of the town are here somewhere, supposedly.
And, you know, they were driven off and were forced to take only what they could.
And the gold is still rumored to be here.
I had some friends with me, but they got chickened out.
They chickened out a while back.
They heard some buzzing.
Oh, there was definitely a lot of bees.
Oh, well, then one of my friends is allergic to bees, so that's probably good.
He turned around.
So you guys are here to find the gold?
You folks are here to find the gold, too?
Well, we are more here to banish evil and maybe find this orb.
Yeah, I'm just not really a fan of evil generally, so I try and get rid of it whenever I can.
But I'm definitely here for the gold.
So a variety of reasons.
Oh, great.
I don't know.
Okay.
Well, I mean, there was a cave a little while over there.
Did you not make it to the windmill?
No, I saw the windmill and then got kind of stuck in this situation.
Stuck in this muck.
Yeah.
Right.
Well, I think we were just about to go look in the windmill when we heard you, so do you want to come with us?
I'd love to.
Yeah.
Being alone, I'm finding, is probably not a great place to be when everything is evil.
Well, it's really creepy here.
It is.
It is very, very creepy here.
Yeah, strength in numbers is insane.
No, I like it.
I like it.
And you guys start walking back.
You cut through the trees, coming back the way you came, I assume.
I think so, because it seemed safe when we did it.
So yeah, you guys, as you're talking, you make it back to the windmill.
Wow.
I didn't think I'd actually find a windmill in the middle of the forest.
It's weird, isn't it?
It's very cool.
Yeah.
I mean, maybe we find the gold and we just get on out.
I mean, banish the evils doers and get on out of here.
Yeah, hold on.
Like, in what order are we doing these things?
Like, if we find the orb, that's super.
We can look at our leisure for the gold.
We find the gold first.
Are we still looking for the orb?
I mean, you guys tell me I left gold back in a tree there.
So apparently gold is not high priority all the time.
I turn to the guy and I'm like, Bishop, is the gold like this isn't honey, right?
He doesn't answer you.
Excuse me.
His name's Esau.
Esau.
Esau is his name, silly.
Esau?
Silly.
I just called him silly.
Yeah.
Esau.
Yeah.
Oh, all right.
Sorry.
The gold that we're looking for, you didn't hear that it is rumored to actually
be honey, did you?
No.
It's not like liquid gold?
No, I think he's just referring to the fact that he could have made money off of
the gold.
Oh yeah.
Off of the honey, rather.
Made gold off of the honey.
Just making sure.
Yeah.
Okay.
Well, has anybody tried the door or?
No, after you.
Well, we knocked.
We knocked and there was no answer and then we heard you.
So we haven't been inside yet.
Great.
Okay.
Who wants to go first?
Yeah, I'll go try the door.
Yeah, that sounds right.
I was there first.
I could do it again.
He just goes and knocks again, looking at everybody.
Are we good to try the door now?
Let's try the door.
We've knocked two times.
Goes to turn it.
It's locked.
Oh, I can do that.
You can do that?
All right, done.
Undo that.
I'll pick it.
Sure.
Yeah, get up and make an investigation check before you start to pick the lock.
God, the fuck.
Two.
No, three.
Four.
As you bend down to start picking the lock,
Hillop is like, oh, hey, there's two other locks there.
Didn't see that before.
There's three locks.
That's a lot of locks.
Do you think they're trying to keep something inside there?
Maybe like gold?
Well, maybe.
Or like some kind of evil creature.
That we should banish?
Oh, you're right.
Okay, let's open it up.
Yeah, all right.
Oh, fuck, everything.
16.
The first lock, yeah, it unlocks quite easily for you.
11.
The first lock takes a little longer, but you hear the latch click over after a couple minutes.
That's right.
That was really embarrassing.
You've taken you a long time.
You're very good at the first one.
12.
I am going to, in case there's evil, get my weapon ready.
I'm ready for evil.
Yeah, I'm going to stand behind you.
Do I click the last one open with a 12?
Yeah.
As I click it open, I like, since I'm facing the door, I like swish really fast so that my back is to the wall in case the door swings open and anything comes at me.
The door does open inwards, and there's like a, as the door opens.
Ah.
That was an unsettling sound.
That was...
Windmill?
Are you a person?
I mean, it sounded like a voice, right?
I don't know. It sounded like it was breezing maybe?
Yeah.
I'm dying.
I'm a windmill.
Or I just let out some air from a stale building after a little while.
I don't know.
I hope this sentient windmill comes along with us for all our adventures.
I hope so too.
I mean, logistically, it's going to be a nightmare, but I think it'll just be a delight and really add to it in the end.
Do you want to find a picture of the windmill?
Nope.
Check your blood sugar.
Well, it did sound like breathing. It sounded like probably just a little old air in there.
Yeah. Yeah, you're probably right.
Like I said, there was a cave over here. Maybe we... I don't know if I feel good about going in there.
Maybe we go look around and see what else we find before we head into the windmill? I don't know.
Guys, I just spent time unlocking three different logs. You going to tell me you don't want to go in now?
I mean, we're here right now.
I think we should go in, and I'm going to go to the door, but not go in, but stick my head in, and do an investigation check.
You know, like you do in the world.
I know that's how I enter every room.
Me too. There's only a 12, though, so...
You look inside. Everything's very dusty and covered in cobwebs. It's pretty dark in there.
And other than a little bit of light shining down through a window up top, you see a shadow of a staircase along the back.
That goes up. But you don't really see much else in there, because it's dark.
I think we should just go in and check, you guys. We're right here.
And I go in.
Anybody follow?
I follow.
I'm going in, too.
You three go in. And what order is everybody going in?
I'll go second. I sneak myself in right after. I don't want to be laughed.
Sure.
Sure, I'll go in third.
The three of you get in. Moot, you see in the corner, there's a dusty old table that's kind of off and to the side.
All three of you see the staircase leading up. And as you get kind of to the center of the room, you hear the door shut behind you.
Hiss up!
Hey, hey, you guys okay in there?
Did you shut the door?
No, we didn't shut the door. Did you shut the door? Why'd you? Is there gold in there? Are you keeping us from the gold?
Moot, open the door.
I try to open the door.
As you step towards the door, you hear the latches go k-k-k-k-k-k as the door relocks itself from the inside.
So it could have unlocked itself, but I was out there struggling like an asshole.
Apparently, yeah, I guess this is just a self-locking door.
You hear the door kind of shake from the other side?
Can you unlock it? Like, is it easy on the inside? You don't need the picky pickies?
Are there any, like, bolts or anything, Russ?
There's no bolts. There are pick locks on the inside, too.
I'm not going to be much use with this, but maybe Sully can.
Oh, yeah, okay, sure.
Well, guys, do we want to just leave? I mean, I know it's very creepy that the door just locked behind us, but we're already inside.
Well, I was just thinking we could just open it to let the other two people in. If we're in trouble, they can't get in here.
Yeah, you're right. That's smarter, Sully. You should open it back up in case we need help from those two.
Oh, baby, 26.
Damn.
We'll just say with that roll that, yeah, you unlock all three doors and you open the door.
And Hillop and Esau aren't there.
Hey, guys.
Are they guys? Hillop? Esau?
Hello.
Oh, my God, maybe they were never there.
Well, now what do we do?
I shut the door again.
The locks go.
Hey, you guys there?
Nothing.
Oh, God.
Do you think one of those portal things that took your friend Merv just scooped these guys, too?
God, I hope the fuck not.
Okay, well, now that we're in here, I'm going to look around more, see what I can see.
Yeah, let's have a look-see.
Are there any candles or anything on any of the tables?
Everybody make an investigation check.
Nat 20.
Or 19.
Oh, investigations plus one.
Is everything still super dusty?
Yeah.
Okay.
Maybe there was some sort of like time travel element there.
Oh, right, yeah.
No, everything inside remains as you saw it.
But as you look around, sorry, 19?
No.
Nat 20.
11.
10.
Moot roll, sorry, moot roll with advantage because you are the only one with dark vision.
Okay.
Oh, that's much better.
That's 14.
Yeah, you're looking around, so there's stairs, there's a desk, and not much else.
What direction does everybody go to look for things?
I go to the desk.
Desk.
Okay, so the two of you go to a desk limb.
Well, let's go stairs.
All right, you go up the stairs.
When you get to, you're both looking at a desk, at the desk, and there's a, it's
thick and caked with dust, but you kind of feel around on top, and there's a
piece of paper.
You brush it off, and who, who reads it?
What language is it?
Tell me who reads it.
I'll read it.
Okay, I'm going to text you what it says.
Glim, you go up the stairs, and you get to the top, and there is just a single
window that you see out, and you can see over top of the trees.
You see, let's say, to the south, so the opposite direction of which you had,
where the bridge is, you see a, kind of the tip of what looks like a hut.
Off to the east, you see an open clearing that looks to be, it could be a
graveyard, and a silhouetted structure off a little bit further into the east.
To the west, you see the cave that Isao had mentioned.
What does it say?
The letter says, don't trust me, and it's signed Isao the Miller.
Ah, fuck.
It's the middle of the show.
Welcome to the middle.
I like that.
Yeah, it's good.
It's nice.
It's kind of got that Looney Tunes kind of feel.
Yeah, it did kind of.
I like it.
Yeah.
Welcome to the middle.
We still have a contest going on until August 31st.
Yeah, we do.
That's soon.
Today is the 21st as this comes out.
I didn't hesitate because I was looking that up.
No.
Knew it right off the old dome.
I heard it smooth right away.
Yep.
Same day.
We're very current.
I know what day it is.
It's fine.
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Back to the episode.
Hey there.
We're DM2GM.
I'm your DM from Dumbgeons and Dragons, Russ More.
And I'm your GM from The End of Time and Other Bothers, Sean Howard.
And what we do here at DM2GM is we answer your questions to help you feel more comfortable
playing the games you want to play.
And what questions would those be, Russ?
They are what game genre would you like to run?
What system are you familiar with or are you looking to use?
And finally, what hurdle is stopping you from running the game that you want to run?
And we don't always agree, but 9 times out of 10 I think we're pretty much on the same page.
I like mazes, Sean doesn't.
It's a big thing.
Don't worry about it.
Aside from the maze thing, we want to share our real experiences, what we've learned,
what's been helpful, so that other people can get going.
And because a lot of these hurdles are just in their head.
So all you got to do is send us the answer to those questions to dm2gmcast at gmail.com.
And we will do our best to answer them.
And then listen to us.
Where do they listen to us, Sean?
They can listen to us anywhere they can find podcasts.
Just search for dm2gm.
Send us your questions.
dm2gmcast at gmail.com.
Then listen every other Friday wherever you download podcasts.
Or visit dm2gm.com.
dm2gm.
Get your game started.
What's going on down there?
There's a window out here.
I can see some stuff.
Esau's a motherfucking, just like, god damn non-trustworthy son of a bitch.
I come back down the stairs.
What do you mean?
What do you mean we can't trust Esau?
We found a letter from Esau that says, don't trust me.
Oh.
Well, that's ominous.
It certainly doesn't sound great.
Wait a minute.
Hold on.
But we didn't trust him though, did we?
He was like, hey, don't go in there.
He kept trying to make us go to the cave.
Yeah, he wanted us to go to the cave.
Yeah.
So maybe we're all right.
I mean, we got locked in here.
It's not looking great.
But I can get us out of here.
I don't know where the other here is though, because I don't know where they are.
Oh, maybe he did something to Hillop.
Well, the man wanted an adventure.
That's a good glass half full way of looking at it, Sully.
I'm very positive.
So there's a window upstairs, and I looked out, and it looks like if we head south,
there's, I don't know, it looks like a big hut or something.
I can just see the tip of it kind of over the trees.
And then in the other direction, there was, it looked like a graveyard,
like some kind of clearing with some kind of structure and like a silhouette.
I don't know.
I thought graveyard, temple, something like that.
And then that cave is out there too that Esau was so horny for.
Hold on.
Was that Glim or was that Carla?
Carla.
I'm pretty sure based on these two episodes, that was Glim.
That's right.
Things are so sexy with Glim lately.
She's just trying to fit in with Sully, I think.
She's just speaking my language.
Sully brings it out in her, this like, she feels like kind of risky.
You're on your own in the big world.
You can say things like horny.
Not have your mom's look at you like, the fuck?
You're not supposed to know what horny is until you're 40.
You know, horny 40.
That's what they say.
Can I, like I rolled really, really well.
Can I see candles or anything anywhere that I can like shed some light on any?
No. Okay.
In my Tinder box, I assume I have like means to make a little bit of fire.
Shh, in your Tinder box.
I have a Tinder box.
Yeah, that's part of like the pack or whatever.
Yep.
So can I like strike a match?
Sure.
I do that and I just kind of like quickly illuminate some different areas that we haven't looked at yet.
Yeah, you don't see anything else.
It's a pretty empty room.
Hey, did you see me?
Oh, sorry.
Oh, I was just going to say, does it look like there's any spot that a magical orb might have been placed?
I was just going to ask if anyone's seen any of the mechanics of this place.
No place really in particular, like no resting mount or anything like that.
And I assume in the middle of the windmill is like the big like plates that get moved by the windmill to grind up the wheat?
Yes.
Okay.
Sorry, yes.
That takes up the majority of the room.
I mean, I'm assuming you didn't really need to say it.
That's what a windmill does.
Yeah.
It does, yeah.
Is there anywhere, so nowhere that's like storage where like the bags of grain would go or they would have been stacked beside it?
Nope.
Nothing else in there.
Kind of a rinky-dink operation.
Any drawers in this desk?
Nope.
Anything else on the desk?
Nope.
Hmm.
I take the piece of paper, I fold it up, I put it in my pocket.
Okay.
Um.
Sully, can you, I guess, get us out of here and we should go see if we can find Phillip and Esau because there's nothing in here.
Yeah, okay.
Okay.
He's probably convinced Phillip to go to that cave and we probably got to save his ass now.
Yeah.
Uh.
Twenty-two.
Yeah.
We'll say that you can do it as many times as you want because you've done it a few times.
That's what it sounds like.
But yeah, you unlock the door and head on out.
So after all three of you leave, you hear the door and lock again.
Hmm.
So do you think we head for the cave and see if that's where they went?
Can I look around quick to see if this is the same, if this looks like the same place as we went in?
Sure.
Make an investigation check.
Because, you know.
Yep.
Or portals.
Could be anything.
Something.
It's only an eleven.
Yeah.
I mean, it looks to be the same spot that you were before.
You see footprints on the ground of everybody's who was there.
Any, like, struggle-y footprints?
Um.
Why would I even look for that?
Hisop would go.
Phillip?
Whatever.
Well, you tell me if you're looking for that or if you're just looking.
No.
Hisop would go willingly with anybody.
Like, all the time.
Yes, cool, cool.
Oh, you say that it's in the cave, y'all.
Okay, let's go.
Is there more honey?
Is there honey in the cave?
He's gonna be a fan favorite, I can tell right now.
I like him.
I think he's fun.
Dressed the way he's dressed?
Hell, yes.
Um.
Okay.
Well, I know the direction that the cave is in because I saw it out that window,
so should we head that way?
Yeah.
Sure, yeah, I guess it's the best bet to find them.
I just want to see for the record.
I don't really want to go find Phillip, but yeah, we probably should.
I mean, he drives a fucking caravan.
Yeah, how are we gonna get to Waterdeep if we don't get him back?
All right, let's go for necessity's sake.
You head back down the pathway and go towards the cave, where you believe the cave to be,
and it's gonna wrap around the same pathway that you went and go down the stretch
that you didn't previously turn down when you first got here.
And it opens up into a big clearing,
and there is the cave that you saw from above on the windmill.
It is a fairly wide opening, very dark.
It goes fairly deep. You can't see the back of it.
Everybody make an investigation check.
Okay, I don't see much in this cave, but I see a bunny in there.
Well, I rolled a two, so I see nothing.
Oh, yeah, an eight.
Eight.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Moot and Sully, you see at the base of a cave a single skull.
You also noticed on your walk here, which you didn't really notice previously,
but there are large groves of mushrooms all throughout this wood.
Classic.
There are dead bodies under there.
Well, I mean, I guess I can get a branch off a tree and we can make a torch.
Go look in the cave.
Yeah, okay.
Okay, so I go get a branch off a tree.
You guys notice all these mushrooms?
Yeah.
It's an awful lot of mushrooms.
Do you think they're good-eating mushrooms?
There's only one way to find...
No, Moot, I don't think that they're good-eating mushrooms.
Okay, all right.
How many mushrooms has Moot already eaten?
Yeah.
None.
But he was sizing them up.
That's fair.
So you grab a branch and you light a torch, yes?
Yep.
Okay.
And I head slowly into the cave.
Make a perception check as you do so.
Seventeen.
So as you get to the mouth of the cave and you shine the light from the lit branch into the cave,
you hear above the crackles of the flame kind of a grunting, snoring type of sound.
Okay, so I kind of like put up a hand like...
Do you guys...
Do you hear that?
Can you hear...
I think there might be a creature in here.
Oh god, I thought that was Moot in his deviated septum.
Nope, not this time.
Okay, so I'm gonna like slowly back away so we can get a little distance away so we can talk.
Guys, what do you think?
It sounds like...
Like that sounded like a bear or something, right?
Yeah.
If I was a bear, I'd want to live in that cave.
Look how spacious it is.
Doesn't really...
I don't really like that one skull we saw outside of the cave.
Yeah.
You said skull, Russ.
Human skull?
Yes, sorry.
It looks to be a human skull.
No, I assumed, but then there was a creature, so I thought...
Could it have been a small animal skull?
Exactly, I should clarify.
Yep.
Nope.
It is a...
Yeah, it looks to be a human skull.
If anybody wishes to investigate it, you are more than welcome to do so.
Yeah, I'll pick it up.
Five.
This dice needs to go away.
Five just to pick it up, or you just go pick it up?
What?
I said, you rolled a five to pick it up, or you just go pick it up?
I just go pick it up, but that was my investigation.
I think that was her investigation.
Pick it up was part of the investigation.
I hot potato it.
As you pick it up and look at it, it begins to talk to you.
Ah, fuck!
And it says, to the right of the cross the code will be.
The black sparrow flies at dusk.
To the right of the cross the code will be.
So the code will be to the right of the cross?
To the right of the cross the code will be.
So it's just like an outgoing voicemail?
Is this B-B-E or B-B-E-E?
To the right of the cross the code will be.
I think he's talking about the B's that we passed, you guys.
No, remember I said I thought there was a temple or something?
So maybe that's the cross.
Maybe we head there to the right of it, and then there'll be a code.
I don't know what we need a code for.
I'm not sure what my philosophy is on listening to talking skulls.
What do you guys think?
I look at the skull and I'm like, can you say anything else?
To the right of the cross the code will be.
Well, this is my first experience with a talking skull, so I'm at a bit of a loss.
I put it in my bag.
To the right of the cross the code will be.
And then it's silent from there.
Well, what do you guys think?
We head to that churchyard or whatever it was?
I don't really want to disturb a bear.
I was just going to say, he's having a really good sleep.
Do we want to be those people?
I don't want to be that person.
Let's go to the right of the cross, and then the code will be there.
Sure, I don't see why not.
So we head in that direction.
To the graveyard area or the structure in the distance that you weren't quite sure what it was?
Or there was a hut that you saw kind of the top of a hut?
I think the graveyard-y area because that was closer than the structure, right?
I don't know how Christian this place is, but if there's going to be a cross anywhere it would probably be a graveyard.
Graveyard seems like a good place to start.
So you go back down the pathway in which you came.
You pass back in front of the windmill, and then there's a path that goes off to the right.
And it's a straight shot, kind of a narrow pathway lined by more trees, of course.
But it opens up into a wide graveyard.
There are three rows, each with four different headstones.
Two of those headstones have holes dug in front of them.
And on each of the headstones you see a letter.
There are three crosses, one in each row.
Hey, it's Russ here.
Just wanted to pop in.
I put the map that I will eventually draw for them down in the description.
So you can take a look at that to see what they are looking at when they're trying to figure out this graveyard puzzle.
Puzzle thing.
Yeah, okay, back to it.
So, three rows with four headstones in each.
Two have holes in front of them?
Yeah.
And then what was the last thing you said?
I have a whiteboard.
Yeah, you got a whiteboard?
Let's do that.
I love it.
Just like we're around the table, I love it.
P-A-R-T-Y, it's a party, a party-zad or a party-dazz.
Party days.
So, to the right of the cross the code will be.
So, Z-E-D.
Or T-Z-E-D.
To the right of which cross?
All of them?
I like Moot's idea that it's all three of them.
Those are all to the right.
So like one, two.
These ones?
Oh, wait.
I was just thinking the one.
Immediately to the right, but it could be all of them.
It could be.
D-Z.
Zed.
They're Canadian.
How long does Russ let us struggle for?
I mean, you tell me when you think you figured it out.
Well, where do we put this code?
I think we should probably look around maybe a little bit and see, like, is there a place to enter a code?
I think you're right, because otherwise how do we figure it out?
I take the skull out of my pocket and I say Z-E-D.
To the right of the cross the code will be.
D-Z-E-D-Z.
To the right of the cross.
I put it back in my...
The code will be.
I want to look around.
There's the building, right?
Yeah.
There's like a little...
There's a silhouette of a building in the distance.
Gwen saw a structure and then there was also the peak of what looked like a bit of a hut.
The structure was unknown, because there was a silhouette to her.
But is that in the cemetery area?
It was a little bit further from where you are now, but yeah, in the same direction.
Okay, but there's nothing else around this in the cemetery.
More mushrooms around the area that you've specifically noticed, but no, nothing else in this cemetery area.
Without getting too close, I look over one of the empty graves.
It's empty.
Guys, maybe we should look at one of the other buildings and see if there's a place to put a code,
because maybe there'll be like three letters or four letters and it'll tell us if we need to use...
Yeah, I think you're right.
If we know what we're looking for, we can solve it better, I think.
Yeah.
Okay, well, there was like a silhouette of a structure or something that looked...
I don't know.
We kind of have two options.
Do either of you care?
Which way should we go?
The one that's closest.
How about the one that's this way?
Okay.
You carry on down the path.
More mushrooms fill the side of the path as you go.
And as you continue walking down, it comes to an end and you take a right.
You hear voices.
And one of them is very clearly hillops.
And as you get closer, you hear...
So it's just up there then?
And as you get closer, you see a staircase.
And at the top of the staircase, there appears to be a chest.
And he hears you guys coming around the corner.
He says, guys, he showed me where the gold is.
It's here.
It's in the chest.
Uh, Haleup, just get away from that guy.
What's the problem?
He showed us where the gold is.
Trust me, buddy.
Well, first of all, Haleup, I can't believe you just walked away when we got locked inside a building.
He said you would be fine.
We'll be fine.
We'll be back in no time flat by the time you got it all sorted out in there.
Oh, yeah.
The guy who gets stuck in quicksand.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Feels okay wandering off alone.
Can you say trap much?
I don't know traps.
I'm not an adventurer.
I'm just a caravan driver.
And he told me that the gold was here.
This is how caravan drivers end up in those empty graves over there.
There was graves?
I pull out the piece of paper from my pocket and I was like, we found this.
Esap, tell us about this.
Well, thank you for getting my name right.
You did find the note left by my evil twin brother.
The old twin brother story.
I haven't been entirely honest with you.
I do know a little bit about this place, being that this is where he was from.
Uh-huh.
Please explain more bullshit.
I don't believe that you're going to trust anything that I say.
No, it said not to write you on the piece of paper.
I could tell you how to lift the curse over this place.
Restoring its...
Yeah, you do it.
If you know how to do it, just do it.
Well, I don't know how far you made it, but there's a hut.
You have to collect some of these mushrooms and bring it to the hut.
Uh-huh.
And then what?
Well, and then there's a bit of...
It's supposed to be a bit of a ritual with the mushrooms, consuming some of them perhaps.
And then, I mean, he was more concerned about the gold.
I was just trying to help with the gold.
Esau, this is all very, very shady.
Were you even drowning in quicksand?
Who fakes being stuck in quicksand?
Yeah, that's fucked up.
Everybody roll an insight.
Fifteen.
Twenty.
Oh, geez, you guys are on fire.
It was not great for me.
He's like, I'm not even gonna say my...
Moot believes every word that he's saying.
However, you two, yeah, you're on to the fact that he either isn't who he says he is or is hiding something else.
What are you hiding?
I beg your pardon, why would I be hiding?
I will straight up throw a talking skull at you.
Um, he says, well, you've left me no choice.
He pulls Dagger from his back pocket and puts it to Hillop's neck and says,
I can't let you A, leave here, and I can't let you lift the curse.
I'm sorry. That's it.
Why not?
You can't let us lift the curse.
No.
Why?
No, the whole mushroom thing really wasn't to lift the curse.
You're fucking high though, right?
Yeah, real high. You should take some with you.
Those are dead body mushrooms, aren't they?
What? No. Why would there be dead body mushrooms?
Well, because I have a feeling like nobody ever actually left this place.
That is a theory. I like it.
I'm going to kill this man now though.
So perhaps we should roll for initiative.
I have crazy initiative bonus, you guys.
I do not.
Seventeen.
Eighteen.
Ten.
God damn it.
I just had a good roll. I have a minus one for initiative. It's very different.
Oh jeez, so we had a really good roll then.
Glim, you're up first.
You have Hylop in front of you with a dagger to his throat by Esau.
Guys, this is episode 11. It's our first fight.
It's true.
How close am I to them?
You're fairly close. They let you get pretty close as you were.
So you're at the base of the staircase, I don't know, ten feet away.
Do we even know what to do to fight?
Do I, now that we rolled initiative, do I have to take an attack action?
You, no.
You can delay your action.
No, I want to try and, I want to talk to him.
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah, there's a bunch of different stuff that you can do.
But yeah, absolutely. You can talk to him.
Okay.
Esau, I don't, don't do anything rash. We just want you to explain what's going on and maybe we can help you.
It sounds like you have an evil brother or something, and I can't even imagine what that's like.
So could you please just take the knife away from Hylop's neck and explain to us calmly what's going on?
I promise that we'll listen.
Persuasion.
24.
PAlydins have mad charisma.
I'm really, I'm very persuasive.
You're not, you're, okay.
I mean, I still can't let you leave.
We'll listen to what you have to say. Please, Hylop is really scared.
Okay. So, I will, Hylop, are you going to be okay?
Yes, I will be fine. I won't move.
I haven't peed my pants.
Nobody has to do that.
Rolling that 20 on deception so you believe.
It seems like odd information to volunteer.
The dark purple of his pants.
His pants are green, green stripes. His jacket's purple.
And his bra.
He kind of loosens the dagger on it but doesn't take it completely away.
Really, what, we're just trying to get more people to come here. It's more of a tourism type thing.
If you eat the mushrooms, you stay and you be my friend.
Esau, you're still not telling the truth. You have to tell the truth.
No, I am. You have to eat the mushrooms.
Just like Hylop here did.
Hylop, did you eat the mushrooms?
I was so hungry and he said they were tasty.
And how do you feel?
I feel a little rumbly in my tumbling but I'm feeling okay.
How far did he move, like, did he move away from Hylop at all?
He mostly just moved his hand, the daggered hand away.
We're going to say that that's your turn and Sully's turn.
So the dagger's away. He's still got a hand on Hylop's shoulder.
So he's still within range of him.
Sully's just like...
Number one, I can't believe you ate those mushrooms, dude.
That's fucking disgusting.
Number two, and I draw my short bow and I release an arrow
because I'm done with this shit.
Okay, roll attack.
This is what I was hoping for when I was persuading him.
Did it fail? Did you just shoot Hylop in the eye?
Oh no, did you shoot Hylop?
Guys, this is my first attack roll of the new broadcast
and it was a one.
That was so close.
Okay, so you lose...
Sorry, what did you say? I'm done with this shit?
I don't think I said that part out loud. I said that to us.
But I just said, that's fucking disgusting.
So here's how Hylop sees it.
You say, that's fucking disgusting.
Quickly pull a short bow and shoot him in the shoulder.
Roll damage.
I go...
God damn it.
1d6 plus five.
Fuck.
Damn.
Oh god damn it, I rolled a six.
11 damage. Did I kill him? Is he a level one character?
Hylop goes down.
Oh god damn it, sorry buddy.
Down on the ground, there's no response from Hylop.
And Esau looks at you and says...
You guys are savage.
And I say back to him, I'll kill every fucking friend you have.
I'm just going with it now.
Are you doing anything else?
No. I think I've done enough.
Moot, it's your turn.
Uh, wow.
Look at the hiccups there.
Wow, why do you even play this game?
Moot's just kind of stunned by what just transpired.
Does Esau still have the knife in his hands and everything?
Yeah, oh yeah, why would he drop it?
He didn't get hit with it.
He didn't just get shot.
So close.
Okay, I am going to cast Ray of Frost.
Alright.
Since now the path is abundantly clear to have a clear shot at him.
Cool, is that an attack roll?
Or does that just happen?
Yep, I make a ranged spell attack.
Do so.
Excellent.
Editing out all these hiccup sounds.
That's a 21.
That will hit.
And you'll hit the right person and all.
So that is nine damage.
No, wait, sorry.
Okay, there's no bonus?
No bonus.
Okay, then that is, sorry, I thought there was a plus five.
So that's four damage.
Okay.
Cold damage.
So describe to me what it looks like as you do this.
So yeah, Moot kind of throws his hand out and like a beam of white, like not light, but like cold.
It's really bright though still, so I guess light would be a good way to describe it.
But this kind of like freezing ray just like shoots out of his hand.
And I guess hits Esau in the chest?
It hits him square in the chest.
And the two of you see Frost just hit and disperse along his clothing.
And he lets out a scream and like, ah, that doesn't feel good at all.
What accent do you have on it?
I don't know.
That's it for my turn.
Is it for your turn?
It's his turn.
And he's kind of trying to brush away and then he turns and he begins to run.
Fucker.
Okay, I want to fire breath him then.
Before he gets away.
It's Hillop's turn, but he doesn't do anything.
Oh.
I already forgot about Hillop.
I'm cold.
I'm stone cold.
He's dashed.
So he's 70 feet from you now.
Oh, damn it.
He is a quick little fucker.
Yeah, so he's actually gone into the trees.
Okay.
Sorry, there are trees up these stairs?
No, sorry, there's trees around because there's trees around everything.
But there's a clearing and then the stairs are in the middle of this clearing with a chest at the top.
Okay, well then I'm going to run over to Hillop and see if he is okay.
He appears unconscious.
Okay, I am going to lay on hands.
This kind of sounds weird and dirty, but isn't.
I'm going to...
I have a pool of healing power that can restore five HP.
I can touch a creature to restore any number of HP remaining in the pool of five.
So can I...
I guess he's unconscious, right?
Yep.
So can I give him, like, one so he's not unconscious anymore?
Sure, yep.
Okay, I'm going to give him one.
You do so and his eyes open as you do this.
He's like, ahh!
That hurts so real bad!
Did we get the gold?
We...
Oh, buddy, well...
This has given me the hiccups.
Whenever I get shot with a short ball, I get the hiccups.
I'm sorry that you've been shot with a short bow enough times to know physiologically how you'll react.
It's very sad, Hillop.
It hurts so real bad.
I yell from the bottom.
Gab, man, I'm so sorry.
It did sound too like I was yelling at you and then I shot you with the narrow.
You did yell at me and said, that's real disgusting.
I thought I just had wronged you in some way by eating those mushrooms.
I was just so disappointed in your actions, man.
Well...
Yeah, did we get the bad guy?
Did the adventure win?
Not yet.
Oh, okay.
So maybe we try and get the gold, then.
Is he... because is he up at the top of the stairs, like, by the gold?
I sort of lost the geography.
He's at the bottom of the stairs, right?
No, he didn't run up the stairs.
He ran back, like, away from the stairs.
No, no, no, like, Hillop and him were at the bottom of the stairs and he was going to...
Sorry, Esau and him were at the bottom of the stairs and Hillop was going to start walking up.
So we're still at the base of the stairs right now.
Yes, more or less, yeah.
Guys, what do we do?
There's this crazy person in the woods.
There's maybe gold up there.
We need to find a code, something about mushrooms.
This is a lot.
Personally, I feel like I need a second, I need a do-over to shoot that guy.
Also, he's like, I don't know, like, what?
Fucking, like, turning people into zombie friends?
I don't know what he's doing, but it's not good.
He's definitely not good.
No.
So we go after Esau?
Are we agreed?
Let's get him.
I think we have to.
Okay, let's do it.
Can somebody help me up?
I help him up.
And can somebody take this pokey bit out of my shoulder?
Oh, yeah, I go up and I take it back.
Ah!
Takes one damage and collapses.
No.
I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I'll give him another one, just keeping him barely alive.
Just enough.
This is so much fun, guys.
I love the adventure.
And you guys head off following in the direction that Esau ran.
You tell me marching order.
We just kind of all just go on scattershot.
Am I having to help Hylip?
Well, somebody does have to help Hylip, yeah.
Okay, well I'll do it because I'm beefy.
So I'll like, he can have an arm around my shoulder or whatever and we can make our way.
Carrying Hylip, the four of you head off into the trees looking for Esau.
You know, horny 40, that's what they say.
Yeah, that's what they say.
That's the theme of my birthday party this coming year.
Oh, God, yes.
Carla's horny 40.
Can you imagine?
Remind me that I said that in January.
I'll see if I can pull it off.
Cursed Are the Woods was part of today's adventure.
Created by Eric Dalek.
Licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 3.0.
Visit Creative Commons dot org slash licenses slash buy dash SA slash 3.0.
The songs Long Road Ahead, Come Play With Me by Kavin McLeod of incompetech dot film music dot IO.
All songs are licensed under Creative Commons by Attribution 4.0.
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